Could it be for real!!??

I bravely stepped on the scale this morning... It read 110lbs!!!!!!!??? Yesterday at the gym I was 113lbs on their scale. It was night and I had clothing on. Could I seriously have lost 3lbs? I'm going to weigh in again at the gym and compare the numbers. 110lbs would be FN fabulous!! I mean, I know it's probably a lot of water weight but WHATEVER! I'll take it lol!

Yesterday went pretty well ;) I only consumed coffee, 3 little cookies (under 200 calories), and of course WATER! It wasn't healthy food but I'm still pleased with the calorie intake. I went to the gym and did a yoga class for an hour, did some strength training on my legs and ass, and took a steam. It was Divine but not enough exercise :( I really should have done some cardio! Fuck! Got to make it up today...Damn it!

Today feels as if it will be another "good" day! I woke up without panic for once! I'm happily sipping my coffee and getting my caffeine buzz on. The agenda for the day is major restriction and I'm most definitely hitting the gym for cardio, pilates, and yoga! Oh yeah, I MUST DRINK MORE WATER!! My water intake is pathetic!

The count down to returning back to CA and my hubby is beyond close.....6 FREAKIN DAYS!!!!! I've come to terms, that I'm not returning with my GW. That doesn't mean I'm giving up however! I'll lose as much as humanly possible and when I get home I'll continue! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I have so much to do before I leave and it's overwhelming me beyond belief! How the hell am I supposed to get all my belongings back in 1 suitcase and a carry on? I'm a clothing whore and refuse to leave my treasures behind! Geesh, my make up alone needs it's own suitcase lol! This shall be interesting!

Wish me luck..hehe
Hope you lovelies are well!!!
xo

Good Morning Dolls!

Well, I'm still FN 113lbs. Again, DAMN IT! My count down to losing weight and returning home to CA, is not going as planned :( I only have a week now to lose before I fly back. Realistically I know it's impossible to lose 113lbs. I mean it's science and common sense! If I could at least lose 3lbs and get down to 110lbs, I suppose I could live with that in the time being. 3lbs is VERY doable! More is encouraged of course! I'm just going to have to dress "smart". Wear adorable clothing still but adorable clothing that hides FAT! Things like flowy sundresses! I live on a beach in a hippy town. You can totally get away with the boho chic look( I adore fashion and clothing). I'll just keep working my ass off with exercise and restriction and get right back down to my goal weight! I can't wait to start race walking on the beach again :) I'm going to keep this positive attitude up and hold on to it with dear life!

As fo today, I've been lazy all morning....Watching TV and glued to , the lappy top! My Salsa class and NIA class is not until this evening, so I'm hitting the gym later in the evening. Their is a Vinyasa Flow class but IDK if my soar body can do it?? I really hope so! The sauna is on the agenda as well. I just adore a good steam! I LOVE HOW WARM IT IS!!! I've consumed a McDonald's large coffee with 2 creams and 1 splenda (IDK the cals??). I'll have a little something before the gym ( really I'll just end up drinking a energy drink lol)! After the gym a little mini fast! That's the plan but it always seems to change. We shall see what my neurotic brain chooses!

OMG! I really can't believe I'm going home. It's starting to set in that I can no longer hide and isolate! I'm going back to my life. Back to reality! It scares the sh*t out of me! I'm overwhelmed and nervous. Anxiety is dwelling in me. Just getting a job is overwhelming to me! That's pathetic but I've got to be strong! I CAN DO THIS!

Any who, HAPPY MONDAY...I adore Monday's because it's the beginning of the week and a fresh start. A clean slate :) Hope you dolls are doing fabulous! Thanks again for the comments! They really make my day...xo

Once again I broke even...Fast Post

This will be short and sweet...I'm in a bit of a time crunch....

Still 113lbs....ARGG!! Once again I binged like a little food whore!! I worked out like a mad women, so I didn't gain but didn't lose. DAMN IT!

Today I went to the gym and did 1hour and 15 min. in a cardio class, 1 hour and 15 min. on weights, and 40 min. on the treadmill. It felt freakin fantastic!! I'm bummed I didn't get any yoga in today :( Oh well, tomorrow. I'm doing fabulous with calories, as long as I keep it up for the rest of the day! I basically have 9 days left to lose WEIGHT....FML! I know I'm not going to lose 13lbs in time but that is not going to stop me from trying! I'm still smoking ciggs here and there :/ Oppsies..hehe!

Hope you dolls are doing fantastic!!! Thanks for all the kind words and reality check!
xo

 

Broke even

Sorry for being MIA lately :/ I was off binging and isolating. Luckily I broke even and didn't gain any weight. Still 113lbs. I just found out I have 2 weeks to lose weight before returning home to CA!!! I would like to get down to 100lbs but IDK if losing 13lbs in 2 weeks is realistic. I'm going to do my very best however! Yesterday went Fabulous! I only drank a bit of a Red Bull!! I'm not exactly sure how many cals but I don't believe it was more then 100! I didn't workout as much as I would have liked but I managed to get 20 min. on the elliptical in, a Pilate's class, and a Hatha yoga class in! It was all a bit too easy but really relaxing :) I did wake up feeling a little lighter and my tummy bloat went down a bit! Today I'm going back to the gym to do more cardio and classes!! I'm just going to do the same as yesterday and consume as little cals possible! Okay, the count down begins. I have some serious weight to lose and only 12 days/two weeks to lose it!! I'm kinda excited to see how much I can lose :/ it's that sick and twisted excited. My gym membership runs out on the 31st, so I'm without the gym the 1st-3nd :( I hate working out at home but I'll have to make do.

I also went to thearapy yesterday. I really really didn't want to go but was glad when I did. I always come out of it better then I went in. Anyways, we discussed me moving back and I lied my ass off saying I was much better...blah blah blah...She ate it up. She gives me the best tips to calm my anxiety and understand myself. I'll miss our sessions. Same with my group thearapy sessions. When I return home I have no health insurance! IDK what the hell I'm going to do for thearapy and meds!!

I'll check back in later doll's!

recovering once again from a binge :/

Last night's binge did in fact make me gain :( When I weighed in at the gym today it was 115lb...I'm pretty sure it'll go back to 113lbs tomorrow??? The gym went fantastic!!! I did an hour and 15 min. Vinyasa yoga class, 30 min. on the elliptical, and a Kiryo yoga class for another hour and 15 min. Calories on the other hand have not been so fantastic. I have consumed 800 already and I'm STOPPING right NOW!!! I just have to be "good" the rest of the night, have some laxie tea and finish off my liter water bottle!

AHHH, the whole time at the gym I was comparing bodies again.....it drives me mad and fills me with jealousy!!!


Nightie Night Luv's
xo

Feelin Peachy!

I did fab today! 1hour of Vinyasa yoga, 15 min. on the elliptical,  drink a liter of water, and only ate salad (organic) and raw almonds! I went to my group therapy and presented a level from our work book. I passed :) I also just just had a nice time getting out and conversing with other human beings lol! Weighing in less today made the day a bit more exciting!! I can't wait to weigh in tomorrow! I'm going to have the same kind of agenda for tomorrow....I'm going to hit another 1 hour Vinyasa class, then do about an hour of cardio on the machines, and end the workout with a nice Kyiro yoga class!! I will also basically eat the same...Maybe I'll take a steam and sauna!!??

I hope all you luv's are well!
xo

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I binged after I wrote about my fantastic day....What the hell is wrong with me???!!

YOU CAN NOW LEAVE COMMENTS LOL!!!

I fixed my comment problem! YAY!

So, I weighed in at the gym today...113lbs(clothes on)!!!! IDK if my scale was broken or I lost 3 pounds but I'll take it!!! Thank goodness, 116lbs was overwhelming me!!! I did a Vinyasa yoga class for an hour and 15 min. on the elliptical :/ I wish I would have done more!! The whole gym trip I checked out other women's bodies....I'm not bi really, I'm just body obsessed!! It's pathetic but passes the time lol! It is also motivation while your working out!! I haven't eaten anything yet but have drank a venti coffee with a bit of milk from Starbucks. I'm still riding a bit of a caffeine buzz! I have my group therapy tonight :/ I never want to go but once I get dolled up and there, I end up having a nice time! I'm going to present my level 4 tonight! Besides, it passes the time from 5-8pm and no food is involved! There are also 2 smoke breaks...I quit but I may just have one for therapy! Wish me luck! I'm off to doll up and obsess about my appearance....

HELP I can't get comments

Someone pointed out to me they could not make a comment....what am I doing wrong???? HELP???

okay...I may have fixed it!!?? IDK!!??

Quitting Smoking!!!!

                                                           That's right I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!

I have always been repulsed by those nasty smelly ciggies but was using them as an appetite suppressant. I was also using them while on pain killers, which is really the only time I enjoyed them. Well, I'm out of pain killers and they no longer really suppress my appetite. I have no use for them anymore and they just gross me out, so bye bye ciggies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today has been so-so.....I woke up and was already dreading the day :( I of course woke up bloated and disgusted with myself from the 2 day binge, but the senna laxie tea is helping a bit! I'm just down today...nothing to look forward to...I feel lonely and anxious :( The agenda for the day is pretty drab; I'm going to clean house, dishes, and laundry. I'll shower and doll up a bit. Hit the gym for a good calorie burn fest and eat healthy ( hardly anything, salad, fruits, or veggies)! While at the gym, I'll hop onto their scale and get an accurate weight! I'm leaning more and more towards being a vegetarian, which I'm ecstatic about! My body is feeling better and better :) I want to pick up some good books on the subject! If anyone has any advice on books, let me know!!!

* I almost forgot!!! HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UPDATE
I FUCKED IT ALL UP! TODAY=FAILED=FATTY

Thank you Lou...You made my day :)

I'm so excited to except my very 1st award!!!!! Thank you Lou!!!!!!!!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

ver·sa·tile
adj.

1. Capable of doing many things competently.

2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.

3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.

4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower.

*7 things about myself-
1). I have horrid horrid anxiety and when I drink coffee it triggers it almost into a panic attack! I'm so addicted to caffeine that I refuse to stop drinking it!!! I need the "BUZZ"!! I can't workout without it!! I usually down 4-6 cups and then end up having to take anxiety meds to calm down....Why I get on this roller coaster, IDK!?
2). I love the morning time...It's fresh and new! Anything can happen and nothing bad has happened yet! The possibilities are endless!!!
3). I'm obsessed with Edie Sedgwick!!!! Not just because she too suffered with an ED, but she is just beyond amazing and fascinating.
4). I'm a stoner lol! You would never know by looking at me but I'm a true grass head! LOVE the stuff!!
5). I'm 26 years old and have no clue about life! At 18 years old I thought I knew it all lol! As I age, I find I know less and less. It's such an odd concept to me but I'm learning to accept it!
6). I just got out of rehab for substance abuse and here I am abusing again :/
7). I'm a perfectionist and mess all in one...IDK how this can be!??

*10 fellow bloggers I would like to give the award to-
Okay to be honest I just started blogging and don't know enough fellow bloggers to give the award to!!! The ones I do know of already have received the award or just got it! I'm going to try my absolute best to find 10!!!!!!! I have found 1!!!
1). Kandie (...Esoteric Thin)

In a binge food coma :(

I have been basically binging for the last 2 days with no working out :( I feel horrid and bloated!!!!!! 3/15 and 3/16=failed!! It started yesterday around 5pm and ended today around 4pm, so I guess It wasn't a true two days!? I feel I have undone all my hard work :/ I'm just beyond angry with myself!! I refuse to sit in myself pity, so I'm going to drink an energy drink to get myself out of this food coma state and make myself go walk around the Academy ( a hard hilly race walk)! A mini recovery from the binging and tomorrow I'll hit the gym and eat with perfection! I need to drink lax tea tonight!!! I'll jump right back on track! I can't let this set me back and I WONT!
UPDATE
Alright, I admit defeat....I totally screwed up....the binge continued and I never went walking...today was a total failure! I have undone this weeks hard work. I've got to move on however! Tomorrow I must "reinvent" myself and shake this all off! I will end the night with a double dose of senna tea to help "move things along" for tomorrow!

I have no more room for error...I will be going back home to cali in 4-6 weeks!! I have just enough time to lose a massive chunk of weight! If I play my cards right I will be going back SKINNY! NO MORE SCREW UPS!!!!!! I don't want to regret this time frame I have to lose weight in a month when I arrive home! I must take advantage of this NOW!

3/14 is Gold!

I ended last night sick at my tummy and throwing up....I took too many pain killers and not enough food. The good news is I hardly ate and threw up a bit of what I did eat :)

Today I have not a thing to do and that makes me nervous! My mom and I are going to run to Whole Foods for salad and more waters but that's really all I have on my agenda...how sad lol! I'll  update!

3/12=sucsess and 3/13 is on it's way!

Yesterday played out wonderfully! I didn't workout or drink water but I hardly ate ANYTHING! I had a few broccoli and cauliflower florets! It was fantastic to not wake up in a panic and bloated!!

Today has been going well too!! I took the last three 5mg pain killers I had and they have been keeping my hunger under control! I have yet to eat anything but I have also not been drinking water again : / I plan on downing some however! When I do eat it will be salad again :) Perfection!

I'm off to therapy...It's going to be another bull shit fest...I really wish I didn't have to go!
UPDATE
The therapy went decent...I just bull shitted in my individual but my group session was interesting! I actually took something away and got something out of it. The topic was distorted thinking. I have TONS! I had 2 hours in between my individual session and my group session, so I took myself to lunch! I had a Waldorf salad and a tiny piece of baguette (I know...BREAD) with a latte! It was the cutest little lunch spot! Just totally charming! That's all I'm consuming calorie wise! I'm working on finishing my liter water :) Once again I got lucky with my Mom's pain pills. Well, I stole them! So those will keep my hunger down for the rest of the night and I will have some for tomorrow as well!! I'm aware I'm playing with the devil : /

I can't believe I forgot to mention that MY SCALE IS BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!! I must have gone off and on it 10-15 times!! The weights would range from 110-117lbs!!!??? I freaked!!!! I have no idea how much I weigh!!! I can use the scale at the gym but wont be able to go until Wednesday or Thursday!!! My last weigh in I was 116.1lbs but now I have no idea if that was even correct! I feel I've lost a bit of weight after those binge episodes! It's going to drive me nuts not knowing!!!

Recovering from the cookie binge

Yup I screwed up yesterday with a damn cookie binge...10-12 oreos!!!! I was doing so well. I don't know how I could have let it happen!! My little brother came home with groceries, cookies being one of them! I resisted while my mom and brother ate them. I felt so in control, powerful, and above them for not giving into the temptation and then before I know it, I'm stuffing them down my throat!! I wasn't even hungry and oreos are not my fav!! WHY!!????? My water consumption yesterday was poor as well :( I probably had 30-40oz!

 I keep saying it but I'M BACK ON TRACK TODAY!! I can't fail again...I just don't have enough time before returning home to Cali! I drank senna tea last night so that helped get some of the nasty waste out...now I wish I would have done a double dose of it!! I've already had a good BM this morning though :) To make up for last night's cookie binge I'm going to have to do extra cardio today at the gym. I'm going to skip the classes and head straight for the cardio machines! I'll get a good caffeine fix and burn my ass off!!!!! As for food, salad only and then of course a liter of water!! A dose of seena tea will be my night cap!

I'm dreading weighing in tomorrow...I don't feel I've made much progress or lost :( At least I'll know where I'm at.
UPDATE
I just hit my Mom's gold mine! Her pain killers! She has been hiding them from me and I just so happened to find them!!! I know, I'm horrid but if you knew the women you would understand! Anyways, I took a handful and ate three 5mg pills. I should be feelin pretty good here soon! The pills will help keep the hunger at bay but may make it hard to go to the gym....I'm thinking today will be all about starving...IDK just yet...???
UPDATE
I have been enjoying my opiate numb out and chain smoking like an old Hollywood actress. I don't see a workout in today's future : / I haven't consumed a single calorie and it's almost 5pm!!! Very pleased indeed!! Sense I'm not going to be working out I will just nibble on yesterday's Whole Foods salad. The bad news is I haven't been drinking WATER!! I don't know why this is hard for me!? I just can't seem to get a liter in daily!!

Okay back on track!

Yes, things seem to be going back on track! That means ana can get back to working her devious magic and I can return to my teeny body. This blob I have been living in these past months is NOT me! It's beyond confusing even to me!?? I'm over the moon pleased with yesterday :) but I will not weigh in today. I MUST resist. I'll weigh in on Monday morning (fingers crossed). It can't be worse then the last weigh in...it just can't be : /

Picking out clothes just to go to the gym is a nightmare now! I'm not used to having to hide a roll on my tummy and blubbery thighs. I cant wear my yoga clothing, I'm just too freakin BIG! I forgot to mention my run in at the gym yesterday...OMG....I ran into a high school best friend. THE ONE THAT MY HUSBAND KISSED!!! It was early in our relationship ( few weeks) and I was out of town. He went to the hot tub with all our friends and ended up having a kiss with HER!!!! To make matters worse this girl is gorgeous! no joke, stunning and beyond thin. Model thin! So, there she was. We had to hug and play nice. She got my number and said we should have coffee. FML! Well, it just motivated me to get thinner!!!

The goal for the day; get my caffeine fix, gym (yoga class and 1 hour of cardio), sauna (maybe sweat out some toxins and water weight), eat the rest of yesterdays salad only, drink a liter of water, laxative tea before bed......so eventful lol!

UPDATE
I got the caffeine fix...a cup of nasty black coffee from my moms and a delish triple shot of espresso from Starbucks! I went to the yoga class....it was way too easy but I got a fantastic stretch and adored the instructor. At the end of the class she has you take a bead to symbolize the good thing you did for yourself! I'm going to the classes for the bead and a good stretch lol! Argg, cardio did not go so well : / I only did 12 min. on the elliptical machine : (  I also didn't take a sauna :( I got more salad at Whole Foods!! That's all I've been munching on...oh yeah, I also had a KIND meal bar : / As long as I stop eating now (6pm), I'll be okay! I have been horrid about water....my liter bottle has a ton left but I"ll down it :) I'm going to drink the laxative tea later tonight :) I'll the greens should really help!
Tomorrow is going to be even better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE...things are going better!

Okay, yesterday was spent throwing up the night before that binge!!!! I literally was sick all day until late evening...I smoked a bowl and ate a subway veggie sub on honey oat bread, no cheese, and sweet onion sauce :/  It wouldn't have been to bad if I stopped there, but that was not so....Mom surprised me with 2 little bags of my fav chocolate Easter eggs! I ate both bags of course :( So The day was pretty much a fail!

Today was better :) I woke up early and went to the gym!!! I did a Body Pump class, which is strength training with barbells! Then I did a cardio/aerobics class!!! I managed to squeeze in almost 15 min. on the elliptical machine. To end the workout I did a intro to Pilate's class!! It felt freakin fantastic!! When I got home I smoked a bowl and when I got the munchies I picked at a salad that  I made at the Wholefoods salad bar!! I still have tons left for tomorrow! All and all a pretty bitchin day!!! I'm pleased :) Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym and eating only eating the rest of my salad! Oh yeah I had 3 shots of expresso and a medium coffee with cream :/ CAFFEINE! OPPSIES!

HERE I COME TEENY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PROJECT GO HOME SKINNY DAY 2=FAILED :(

How could I seriously "f" up on my freakin 2nd day!!!!!!!!!! I binged beyond belief on melon, green Chile stew, tortillas, and soda pop :( I was and still am  a bloated mess....To top it all off I drank hardly any water and drank none of my senna tea :( Oh and didn't workout one bit :( ONE MAJOR FAIL!!!!!

I'm picking myself up and dusting off! I'm not giving up and I will return to my teeny body!!! Back to day one!

Mom dropped her baggie of pills and I jacked em! I didn't sleep a wink last night and instead enjoyed the numbing effects of the pain pills and youtube videos. I'm hoping they keep hunger at bay even though it's only 7:30am and there wearing off :/ Anyways, I'm giving my tummy a break and not eating at all today!! I will drink at least a liter of water and take my seena laxative tea tonight. Like I said "picking myself up and dusting off"!!

PROJECT GO HOME SKINNY: DAY 2

Last night finished well and day one was a success!! I almost didn't eat at all, then ended up smoking buds and getting a mean stoney hunger. I ate my salad from whole foods! I didn't eat it all :) Mom finished it off. I didn't end up drinking the senna tea :/ No BM so far today :/ I did drink the last of what was left from my liter water bottle...I need to walk to the gas station or grocery store and buy more as well as more fruits and veggies! I'm also going to increase my water intake today! I need to drink at least 1.5 liters! I didn't weight in this morning...I plan on it tomorrow morning however!! Another goal today is too smoke less...my lungs are actually hurting and I need to quit anyhow...The Master Cleanse doesn't call for ciggies and I want quit before I start it! That and the caffeine of course! I really don't want to suffer through the caffeine headaches! Here I am lol drinking a tall mug of black coffee...my 2nd tall mug :/ I need the energy....I want to do my NYC Ballet DVD and The Yoga Booty Ballet DVD as well as go for a race walk! I never did the DVD's last night :/ Thank god I did all that walking!!!
Here I come day 2!
UPDATE:
Scored again....Mom just gave me a pain pill!!! I didn't even have t ask! I'm really thankful because I was having hunger pains and had no healthy food here! The little magic pill killed the pains! The bad news is I haven't worked out and have yet to get WATER! I will and I'll also get something healthy to eat for later! Fruits or veggies of course!
UPDATE:
Argg! Hunger is back! The pain pill didn't do too much. I filled the coffee mug back up :/ I need the energy to get off my ass, get my water and healthy food, and WORKOUT!!!!

PROJECT GO HOME SKINNY: DAY ONE

Okay waiting until next Monday to weigh in wasn't possible. I had to KNOW, so I stepped on the scale....116.1lbs!!!!!!!!!! I'm not surprised it went up. I have been a total food whore! To be honest I'm shocked it wasn't more! 116lbs is beyond unacceptable for me but it stunned me back into a state of "ana" ! I feel the desire and willpower!! I'm almost excited to start shrinking! It's such a high!!

Last night's double dose of senna tea worked it's magic, however it caused me major tummy cramps! It was well worth getting that junk out of me! So far today I have only had 2 cups of black coffee :) It made me jittery and sky rocketed my anxiety! I took a shower and got cleaned up, which always makes me feel better and calmed me down a bit. I'm going to be walking to Walmart and back to pick up the hubby's Money Gram....MAJOR CALORIE BURN!!!!! It should be a fun little outting...I've been going stir crazy isolating in this disgusting house of my Mother's!!! I need to pick up water and some fruits and veggies!!!

I'll keep you posted...xo

UPDATE:
Hunger struck....I numbed it with another cup and 1/2 of black coffee and ciggs....So Hollywood..lol! It really is setting in that I'm actually 116lbs!!!!! I have not been that big sense my teens!!!! It took me a while to find workout clothes that didn't put my chub on display. Not an easy task but I accomplished it and I'm out the door.....

UPDATE:
My little outting proved to be a nice escape for a bit...I definitely walked a ton but would like to workout more later! Maybe my NYC Ballet DVD and my Yoga Booty Ballet DVD! Walmart was a bit further then I thought and it was a tad chilly with an overcast. I suppose that's better then the sun beating down on me. I broke a sweat so I'm pleased :) After I received the Money Gram at Walmart, I headed down the street to the bookstore (more walking and calorie burn). I browsed for a while and then went next store to my fav place in the world WHOLE FOODS!!! I could seriously spend hours in that place! I was proud that I didn't buy unnecessary items, including FOOD! I found a Master Cleanse book and purchased it! My goal is to eat just fruits and veggies for 4-5 days and then start the Master Cleanse fast! The book seems brilliant and I can't wait to dig into it later! I also bought a big fresh organic salad with lots of veggies!!! It should work fabulous with the dieters tea...I'm thinking all the leafy greens and roughage with the senna will sweep my bowels! The Senna tea has been actively working all day! I have had several BM's. It's funny, most people would hate the constant bathroom trips but I adore them lol! I love the feeling of my body riding itself!! Tonight however, I'm only going to drink one cup of the tea. such I'm a little devil! Once again, I talked my mom into giving me a pain pill :/ Not to smart considering I just got out of REHAB! I just want to numb out a bit and I just love smoking ciggs on pain killers! Not to mention they are a great appetite suppressant! My water intake has not been up to par....I have maybe consumed 20oz. I have about 10 more ounces :/ I forgot to buy another liter while I was out! I may walk to the gas station to purchase more and burn more calories on the way!! My coffee intake is greater then my water intake...my poor kidney's!!! I've got to start cutting out caffeine before I start the Master Cleanse. I really don't want to go through a horrid withdraws!! I have to also check and see if the MC is safe with all my medications. I have been watching people's MC youtube videos. Most of them make a video about each day and speak about what they are experiencing, as well as tips! It's so inspiring!!!
It's 3pm and all I have consumed is water and coffee...I plan on eating my salad later this evening when I start getting ravenous! I have got some walking in and plan on doing some exercise DVD's! The day is going pretty peachy so far....just have to stay on track the rest of the evening and night!

PROJECT GO HOME SKINNY

So....yeah....I've been majorly screwing up weight wise. I'm usually 95-105lbs at 5'1 inches tall (I have to starve to maintain this weight) I absolutely adore that weight range and it's well worth the mantaince to fit in all my teeny clothes!. The last I weighed in, I was at 114lbs!!!!!!!!!!! I got there buy being a piggy and the weighthas only gone up due to massive binges, so I've yet to return to the scale out of fear of seeing those horrid triple digits!!!. I plan on some major elimination and restriction of foods all week and I'll then step on the scale next Monday! I'm crossing my fingers I'll be 110lbs or lighter. It's Sunday night March 5th and my last binge!!! I'm full, bloated, and disgusted with myself. I must lose at least 15lbs to return home (CA) skinny for the beach. I feel completely defeated but not hopeless. I will lose this damn chub! I've done it before and I'll do it again!

To start tomorrow off "cleaner", I prepared some laxative senna hot tea to enjoy tonight and enjoy the after effects even more in the morning! I'm actually having a double dose to help with this weeks "build up". I'm twisted and never will pass up a good BM. I'll allow myself coffee and a bit of milk in the morning tomorrow. Like I said before, this week is all about elimination and restriction. I'm eliminating all "crap food"! No sugar, white flours, processed anything.....basically just fruits and veggies with a load of water!! WATER WATER WATER and of cousrse close the day out with Senna tea!! I have been really thinking about it and I want to do a juice fast or Master cleanse...MC would be better considering I can afford it and I don't have a juicer. We shall see when I get there!?  As for exercise tomorrow the gym is out of the question. I think?? Mom still doesn't have her car so....  I have to walk to Walmart to pick up Taylor's Money Gram and that will be a good little calorie burner. I suppose it all depends on the gym/car situation but a workout will be happening!! I'm seeing how they are imperative!

Once I get the Money from Walmart I need to buy a big bottle of water to drink throughout the day and my fresh fruits and veggies, they'll I'll be consuming. I'm going to hold off eating as long as possible. Hopefully into the evening! If I stay busy it's not too hard.

I have been acting like a hermitt again....hiding away in the house largely due to how I feel and look, FAT! Anyways, I always feel better when I get out and keep busy. The Money Gram will allow me to get out a bit tomorrow and my mind body and soul is in desperate need!!!!!!!!

I was supposed to have my individual therapy and mood disorders group tomorrow afternoon but this too is all dependent on the car situation....

Ewe! I'm still smoking ciggs! I know I know! It's beyond gross I'm just so damn bored and have it stuck in my head it's a hunger killer!! The goal is to quit that as well this month! Blahhhh!